And once again, we got on the hunt for you. Only the best Tweets for our spoiled audience. With us today: A gang of wild animals and some anecdotes of how to survive life with children. Have fun!
4yo: we have a weed farm!
Me: weedS in our yard
Lady: *rapidly walks away*
Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH
2yo: I get high *jumps*
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 5, 2020
My son had hearing issues, and we got him tubes. His hearing and speech got drastically better.
My son just read me a book for the first time.
Excuse me, I'll be over here sobbing tears of joy.
— GingerDad715 (@gingers715) February 5, 2020
my favorite part about having a job is assuming you’re fired every time your boss calls you into their office
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) February 5, 2020
I was just at starbucks on my lunch break and the guy in front of me in line asked the barista if they could crumble up 2 blueberry scones and blend them into his drink. not sure what his story is but i hope he finds peace
— kendra (@kendraaaleighh) February 5, 2020
I imagine this is what it looks like when you open the door to Heaven.pic.twitter.com/WxsX7sg3kQ
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) February 5, 2020
i was addicted to buying croc brand footwear. my addiction got so bad i eventually lost my family, my job, my house. everything was gone except for those shoes. i was at croc bottom
— bojack nardman (@avantnard) February 5, 2020
I’ll choose my bitch over my family any day blood ain’t thicker than that ass
— INSTAGRAM @S.GRATE_ (@sgrate__) February 5, 2020
Australia is a myth.. The Brits made it up to cover up that we drowned all our convicts in the sea. Anyone you have ever met who claims to be Australian is either an actor, CGI, or two dogs in a suit.
Hugh Jackman may be three dogs, I haven’t done the math but he’s very limber
— 🐦Kate amongst the pigeons🐦 (@MorticiaKate) February 5, 2020
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 5, 2020
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
— tom (@pilau) June 29, 2019