It’s Saturday and Europe is expecting a significant snowstorm. Let’s be honest, friends: who had «unstable polar vortex brings extreme arctic weather» on their 2021 bingo card? Yeah, we neither. It’s basically the murder hornets from last year, something new and fun to bring fresh wind (HAHA) into the third circle of hell. So we hope everyone is prepared, gasoline, booze, food, a small flamethrower to cut through the ice, a big flamethrower to cut through the uninvited strangers at your door (not only valid during snowstorms, that’s just a reaction people should expect when they disturb your holy weekend peace) and perhaps something nice to read. Our gems for example! Please enjoy and stay warm.
I wish authors could get three close friends to blurb their books. “She was very depressed when she wrote this but she did it! We’re very proud. She has no other skills so we worry. Please buy this so she’ll stop talking about it.”
— Zoe Whittall (@zoewhittall) February 5, 2021
please just give us some health care https://t.co/MajKVO8dLE
— Public Citizen (@Public_Citizen) February 5, 2021
I want to see a movie about an angel getting accidentally trapped inside of the body of a raccoon & the only way that he can get out of his raccoon form is to find the right trash can. Meanwhile, the raccoon has taken over the angel's life & is causing chaos in Heaven.
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) February 6, 2021
my veterinarian: don’t forget we offer a military discount!
me to my cat: have you served in the military
— all the time mais (@maisondecris) February 6, 2021
Someone just told me they’re an empath. But I feel like if they were, they would have sensed how much I did not want to hear about that.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 6, 2021
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: This cookie is too big please break it in half.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 5, 2021
— Marsh_Ink🔪♦️♠️🌽 (@Marsh_Ink) February 4, 2021
imagine you're having sex with someone and when they cum they scream your name like jar jar binks
— andrew (@AndrewsNotFunny) February 6, 2021
found my new home pic.twitter.com/KZbzH4nKJa
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) February 5, 2021
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 5, 2021