Valentine’s day is only one week away. We are still waiting for someone to ask us to be their Valentine’s. But for those of you who don’t have a Valentine’s date yet, don’t panic because we will be here making sure that you enjoy that bottle of wine, alone in the dark, with some top quality content that our team from Best of Twitter will create. And for those of you who have a date, there is nothing more romantic than sitting together, on the couch, and reading out our content out loud together. On that note enjoy today’s daily and don’t forget to slide into my DM 😉.
Pretty sure my kids have an app that alerts them the second my ass hits the toilet seat because that’a obviously the best time for a deep philosophical conversation.
— The Mom Who Knew Too Much (@Gilapfeffer) February 7, 2020
Things of the past:
Low rise jeans
Turn signals, apparently
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) February 7, 2020
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
— Christina leader of the zombie snowman army 🦇👻🤘 (@Aikiwomannc) February 6, 2020
i just called in sick to work which is perfectly reasonable because i’m ill and yet i feel like i’m breaking every law ever made
— kieran (@kieransofar) February 7, 2020
[Cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: slow cook it faster
— That Pesky Prostitüt™ (@LittleMissAngr1) February 4, 2020
agent: i found u a role
johnny depp: how weird is it
agent: very fucken weird
johnny depp: sick. what’s the role
agent: so u know how most people have hands on the end of their arms
— randy (@leakypod) February 6, 2020
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 6, 2020
7-year-old: I make things happen.
Me: You've done nothing but fight with your sisters.
7: I didn't say they were good things.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 7, 2020
“will you marry me?”
– sounds like you’re asking for a favour
“Let’s get the government involved”
– shows passion for bureaucracy
– raises legal suspicions if they say no
— ruby🦎 (@roobeekeane) February 7, 2020
got my taxes back .. done bought my cat some jordan chanclas pic.twitter.com/52fDtmro2F
— luis vercetti 💕 (@97Vercetti) February 6, 2020