It’s happening you guys, i finally have a very relaxing weekend. No neighbours mating like a bunch of very poorly fed Dingos, no social commitments, even the weather is quite nice. Not really sure if that’s the first sign of the return of the four horsemen, but hey, let’s enjoy it while it lasts. It also means enough time to select the best Tweets for you, so have fun.
doctor: get ready to say 'aah'
me: why are we on the roof
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) February 7, 2020
Dentist: open wide
Dentist: not your arms
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 6, 2020
me at lunch with my friends pic.twitter.com/NnuE1bR3Zx
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) February 6, 2020
To all the people who make fun of short folks, it's not funny and it is actually pretty offensive. It's not like any of us choose our genetics and it's known that we're discriminated against in both the dating world and the workplace please get my pasta off of my top shelf for me
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) February 6, 2020
oh you're "looking for someone chill"? well i'm looking for someone insane. like absolutely batshit. i want to come home and find that they've carved out a hole in the wall and built a nest in there. fuck "chill"
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) February 6, 2020
me when a normal person shows me a funny tweet: that’s my friend
— alexa (@socialistshawty) February 6, 2020
[child proofing the house]
son: whatcha doing?
me: how the hell did u get back inside
— ⚠️maxx⚠️ (@climaxximus) February 5, 2020
Unless your kid has gone from 20 pounds to 250 pounds I don't want to see how big they've gotten.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 6, 2020
Let’s talk about our emotions, I’ll go first: I hate them
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) February 6, 2020
Remember, you can disappear in a haunted forest whenever you want. You’re an adult.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) February 7, 2020