It’s happening you guys, i finally have a very relaxing weekend. No neighbours mating like a bunch of very poorly fed Dingos, no social commitments, even the weather is quite nice. Not really sure if that’s the first sign of the return of the four horsemen, but hey, let’s enjoy it while it lasts. It also means enough time to select the best Tweets for you, so have fun.
#1:
doctor: get ready to say 'aah'
me: why are we on the roof
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) February 7, 2020
#2:
Dentist: open wide
Me: 🙂
Dentist: not your arms
Me: 🙁
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 6, 2020
#3:
me at lunch with my friends pic.twitter.com/NnuE1bR3Zx
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) February 6, 2020
#4:
To all the people who make fun of short folks, it's not funny and it is actually pretty offensive. It's not like any of us choose our genetics and it's known that we're discriminated against in both the dating world and the workplace please get my pasta off of my top shelf for me
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) February 6, 2020
#5:
oh you're "looking for someone chill"? well i'm looking for someone insane. like absolutely batshit. i want to come home and find that they've carved out a hole in the wall and built a nest in there. fuck "chill"
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) February 6, 2020
#6:
me when a normal person shows me a funny tweet: that’s my friend
— alexa (@socialistshawty) February 6, 2020
#7:
[child proofing the house]
son: whatcha doing?
me: how the hell did u get back inside
— ⚠️maxx⚠️ (@climaxximus) February 5, 2020
#8:
Unless your kid has gone from 20 pounds to 250 pounds I don't want to see how big they've gotten.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 6, 2020
#9:
Let’s talk about our emotions, I’ll go first: I hate them
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) February 6, 2020
#10:
Remember, you can disappear in a haunted forest whenever you want. You’re an adult.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) February 7, 2020
