We don’t normally celebrate that time of the month but what we do celebrate is that time of the day. Thats right, you guessed it. Here is our top ten daily Tweets of the day!
Travelling by plane
– no leg room
– only one specific destination
Putting on a mouse costume and waiting for a hawk to pick you up
– can swing your legs around as much as you want
– could end up literally anywhere
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) January 9, 2020
me: u guys can play your tablets
them: but mom said we can't
me: ok well i'm saying u can for now. i can over rule mom if i want
them: [hesitant and confused] u can?
me: yes. i think. maybe.
them: we'll do something else.
me: probably best.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 9, 2020
dudes be 5’6 saying “my life a movie” yeah bro it’s the hobbit
— bad boy (@badboychadhoy) January 9, 2020
how tf did people in the middle ages get out of bed on time did they train an owl to shriek loudly or what
— nicky the friendly shark (@mostlysharks) January 9, 2020
Wife: I don’t like the way Carol flirts with you.
Me: I think she’s just being nice.
Wife: she grabbed your dick.
Me: I think she’s just being polite.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 9, 2020
“Mom, I got influenza B”
Asian Parent : “Why B? Why cannot get influenza A ?”
— Nimelesh (@HausofHilton) January 9, 2020
my 14 year old daughter just screamed FUCK and slammed her bedroom door after learning she’ll be menstruating every month or so for the next 30-40 years and i can’t blame her a bit
— Josh the Alwrighty (@Tryptofantastic) January 7, 2020
Was getting my son ready for bed and he put his arm through the neck hole instead of the sleeve.
“Wrong hole,” I said.
Me in my head immediately: “that’s what she said.”
Also me in my head: “how are you even a father?”
— Jason Howerton (@jason_howerton) January 10, 2020
my dad: when was the last time u checked your oil
— ً (@stfudecade) January 9, 2020
When I tried to break up with my high school boyfriend the summer before we left for college he just said “no thanks” and I didn’t know how to respond to that so we dated for 3 more months
— cal? (@cal_gif) January 9, 2020