Best of Twitter from January 11, 2020

It’s finally the weekend everyone, so time for some bad decisions, a few too many beers and regrets the next morning. Talking about regrets, you still found your way back to our little page, so it’s safe to say we share a common interest in bad jokes, worse puns and everything in between. Please enjoy (we need our jobs).

#1:

I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) January 9, 2020

#2:

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
— bacon popsicle 🤷‍♂️ (@Gupton68) January 9, 2020

#3:

[second date]

Him: I’ll pick you up. How do I get to your place?

Me: *panics* Take a loosey at the lights, go straight for two blocks and I’m the third house on the tighty
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) January 8, 2020

#4:

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 8, 2020

#5:

Who called it sperm donation and not volnuteering?
— The Girl with the Grilled Cheese Tattoo (@Mom_Overboard) January 8, 2020

#6:

you're not a "content creator" you're just good at saying you're sad
— average joe (@jazz_inmypants) January 9, 2020

#7:

me: i saw our son smoking drugs

wife: talk to him

[later]

me: your mother would like some drugs
— conscious robot (@robots_feel) January 9, 2020

#8:

Cute first date idea: launch me directly into the sun
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) January 9, 2020

#9:

how long do you think this italian restaurant in my neighborhood was waiting for illinois to legalize weed so that they could buy this banner pic.twitter.com/ZdGaY4SPqP
— hope xi sees this 🇮🇷 (@lib_owner) January 7, 2020

#10:

Me: “I made a lot of friends today.”

Mom: “You should invite them over for dinner.”

Me: “We would have to buy a lot of dog food.”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) January 9, 2020

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