The news: William and Kate become parents for the fourth time this summer, Iran confesses to the shooting down of the Ukrainian passenger plane and the fire in Australia continues to rage. Now to the weather: Sunny with views of the Daily. Today we are honoured by a well-known comedian, we will uncover a logic error in Star Wars (how dare we) and explain how a perfect date (doesn’t) work. We now wish you a pleasant Sunday and much fun reading.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I'd love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
— Dak (@dakarrier) January 10, 2020
How do I explain to my cat, who loved my boyfriend more than anything in the world, that he is never coming over again ever
— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) January 12, 2020
[first day as a surgeon] will she really even notice if her boob is upside down
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) January 12, 2020
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U
— conscious robot (@robots_feel) January 11, 2020
What's the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: "Hi, I'm Marcus. Nice to meet you."
Business people: "Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?"
Me: "No. If I did then don't you think I'd introduce myself as that?"
— Marcus Vance (@MarcusCVance) January 9, 2020
Meghan probably put black pepper in Harry’s eggs and there was no way he was going back to that spiceless royal life
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) January 11, 2020
Slapy boi pic.twitter.com/QDVzYh3km4
— Welcome To Nature (@welcomet0nature) January 11, 2020
[watching Star Wars]
Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.
Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.
Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.
Me: smart lol wait-what?
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) January 12, 2020
I’m never going to stop thinking it’s weird that the three jobs in Star Wars are fascist army man, renegade ninja, or lounge musician.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) January 11, 2020
the bachelor is a bad show but if they made a friendship version where a dude hangs out with 20 different guys to pick a new best bud holy shit I would watch it every single day
— kurtis conner (@kurtisconner) January 11, 2020