Americans are curious. Did you know that on a single day in the USA three foods are celebrated? Today is the National Bagel Day, National Fresh Squeezed Juice Day and National Strawberry Ice Cream Day. Have you eaten all three today? Perfect, then you’ve done everything right! If not, hurry up! To go with these delicacies, we recommend our in-house Daily. Bon appétit!
her: i want you to blow my mind in bed tonight
me: the guy who sings the grinch song is also the voice of tony the tiger
her: no fucking way
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) January 15, 2020
Linda, a stray dog in Turkey, comes to the same car wash a couple times a week to use the automatic petting machine
— Humor And Animals (@humorandanimals) January 9, 2020
Me: When I say books rule you say shhhh
ME: Books Rule!
Me: Books Rule!
Me: awww yeah
— Ol' Meatbag Roberts (@c12h22o11balls) January 14, 2020
Please don’t be mean to me. That’s my brain’s job
— donni saphire (@donni) January 14, 2020
— James Fridman (@fjamie013) January 14, 2020
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
— Kayleecious🍧 (@TweetsByKaylee) January 14, 2020
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) January 14, 2020
Doctor: Are you experiencing any hallucinations?
Pink Elephant: *raises eyebrows at me*
— Brynnester (@brynnester) January 14, 2020
Any candle can be a vagina candle if your vibrator's dead
— The Girl Who Came to Stay (@Mom_Overboard) January 13, 2020