It is Friday and people are already making plans to go to their favorite club or bar, but before you do make sure you not only check here daily, but also use the “jk» rule. You haven’t heard of the “jk“ rule? Well good thing you are here. Enjoy your weekend and our top ten Tweets of the day.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i'm sure this is my wish
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) January 16, 2020
Local weather forecast My girlfriend
Receiving between 2-3 inches tonight
— Zach Svobodny (@ZachSvobodny) January 17, 2020
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
— pilau (@FU_TangClan) January 15, 2020
My brother just got a Nintendo switch and still has the box so I’m gonna wrap it and give it to my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day so that when he opens it he thinks it’s a switch but really it’s just the box filled with all of the things I like about him
— carol (@venmo4feet) January 16, 2020
Me: You can take a stuffed animal to preschool.
4-year-old: *grabs ten*
Me: Just one.
4: But they're a pack.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2020
Wife: can you get our daughter up for school?
Me: no thank you.
Me: she’s so mean when she wakes up.
Wife: you’re scared of a little girl?
Me: you go do it.
Wife: she doesn’t need to go to school.
Me: [sipping coffee] perfect attendance is overrated.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) January 17, 2020
say jk after sex so you stay a virgin
— ☆ Luis Vercetti ☆ (@97Vercetti) January 15, 2020
the dinosaurs never got vaccinated and look what happened to them FUCKING MADE INTO NUGGETS
— linc (@lincnotfound) January 16, 2020
if I had a girlfriend I’d let her sit on the couch with me
— ً (@Grandpa) January 16, 2020
imagine how good it feels to be a rotisserie chicken in the warmer at a grocery store. dead, head empty, no thoughts, cooked to perfection and warm under a lamp
— 𝕷𝖎𝖑 𝕾𝖊𝖕𝖘𝖎𝖘 (@VELVET_GUARD) January 16, 2020