Best of Twitter from January 18, 2020

It’s saturday, the time where we all pretend to have an active social life, but since our early 20s in reality, we’re just tired. Most of us would consider a near-death experience from eating too much nachos a pretty awesome evening. But everyone wants to go to the other side laughing, right? So enjoy!

#1:

Friend: Eminem just dropped a new album.
Me: Does that mean ‘released’ a new album?
Friend: Yeah, but, uh, nobody uses ‘released’ anymore, and-
Me: Hold on a sec, I’m winding up my victrola.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) January 17, 2020

#2:

This isn’t my first rodeo. It is, however, my first rodeo on shrooms. Now hold my beer while I ride this angry pink unicorn.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) January 18, 2020

#3:

me: *cracks knuckles*

boss: why do u do that

me: i do it when im nervous

boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own
— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) January 17, 2020

#4:

Girls who like Lana del Ray are a very special type of girl I like to refer to as “strawberry goth”
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) January 17, 2020

#5:

Y’know when you’re walking along the sidewalk with two other people and there’s not enough room for three people so you walk sort of half behind the other two so you’re not completely isolated but not quite included either well that’s me
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 18, 2020

#6:

YOU: [late and frantic] I can’t find my keys.

ME: [seated and helpful] They’ve gotta be somewhere.
— Greg (@GrowlyGrego) January 18, 2020

#7:

Date: I don't think we should see each other again

Me: It's because I got in a fight and lost, isn't it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 17, 2020

#8:

ms. gump: life is like a box of chocolates, forrest

forrest: no one asks for one but we have to be thankful for them anyway

ms. gump: what? no

forrest: some parts are good but overall pretty terrible

ms. gump: are u okay
— randy (@leakypod) January 17, 2020

#9:

when a doctor asks me if i drink and smoke and i say yes and they r like ok now know that that isn’t going to help you feel better and im like sorry doc i didn’t pay a $75 copay to talk to my mom, put your necklace to my heart and give me a diagnosis pls
— holmes holmes (@_holmes_holmes) January 17, 2020

#10:

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) January 16, 2020

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