Rush hour is a pain and is probably the main reason why, other than leaving traffic to grab a coffee, we are late to our jobs. So the best advice i can give you is to leave before 7, but do not forget to come back! Or you will miss the release of our top ten Tweets from today. There is nothing worse than that and i mean nothing!
wearing a turtleneck is like yes, i have books, but i also have secrets… and they are about sex
— ev (@nomunnynohunny) January 20, 2020
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
— Kayla Ancrum (@KaylaAncrum) January 20, 2020
Wife: you need to stop saying things “give you a boner”
3yo: thanks for the eggs mom they gave me a boner.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 21, 2020
Detective: What do you think happened here?
Me: I think someone put the yellow tape around the area to mark it off
Detective *gritted teeth* before that
Me: They probably went to get the tape
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 20, 2020
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) January 20, 2020
doctor: i don’t know how to say this
me: haha u just did
me: u literally just said “this” lol
doctor: [clears throat] u have 3 weeks to live and i honestly wish it were less
— not brendan (@crocodilethumbs) January 21, 2020
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) January 20, 2020
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with everyone. She handed out ice cream to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 15 years later I still think about it
— IG: Jorgebedolla_ (@JbKnockout) January 20, 2020
me: you ever walk into a room and forget what you were doing
woman: but how did my husband's surgery go? is he okay?
me: [noticing i'm wearing medical scrubs] oh god oh fuck
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) January 20, 2020
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: Because of something my boss said
Interviewer: It says here you were fired
Me: That's the thing he said
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 21, 2020