Today we got the best qualifications for a lawyer. A very good way to wear your pants if they make you look fat and a flat joke from Professor Snape himself. Enjoy!
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) January 21, 2020
The youngest millennials are 24 this year.
The oldest millennials are 39 this year.
We’re not kids. “Ask a millennial if they know what this is” isn’t funny and just shows your ignorance.
Millennial isn’t just a general term for anyone younger than you.
— 👽 Derf Laploid (@skankzila) January 21, 2020
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it's mine i get to keep it
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) January 17, 2020
Just did my own taxes, I should be in jail by friday
— Alicia Keys Sister (@yellowbonemama) January 21, 2020
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂holy shit i can’t😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/tR5VbDNC10
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 21, 2020
imagine dating a guy for 6 months and you are finally taking your first vacation together, then you find out he’s the kind of guy who claps when the plane lands
— discount miranada cosgrove (@sarahnicoleryer) January 21, 2020
her: these pants make my butt look big
me: maybe wear them as a bra?
— alien skier, angsty teen 👽👽👽 (@clichedout) January 22, 2020
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?
They're both cauldron.
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) January 20, 2020
I may be 30 something and have 3 kids but I still live dangerously.
Like, I stopped measuring vanilla when I bake and often double the spices so yes, you could say I’m a still a badass.
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 21, 2020
Yesterday my colleague called me a 'book murderer' because I cut long books in half to make them more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me? pic.twitter.com/VQUUdJMpwT
— Alex Christofi (@alex_christofi) January 21, 2020