We are deeply saddened to what is happening in Wuhan right now. While on one end of the world half a continent is burning and a whole city is under lockdown, at the other, a discussion about Trump’s abuse of power is raging. We wonder why actually, we all know it was him anyway). So at some point, we ask ourselves where can we still live peacefully nowadays. Well, our tip for that would be a fictional, make-believe, Alice in Wonderland world. Although it might not go so well for the environment in general…
That is why we offer you a little ray of hope today. Have fun with our Daily!
I spoke to God and neither of us want the homophobes.
— Satan (@s8n) January 22, 2020
A single boob can weigh as much as or more than a newborn.
Some women are, in fact, carrying around twins all day.
— Kathleen (@sweatsntopknots) January 22, 2020
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 22, 2020
It’s important to teach young children not to eat with their mouths open. That way, they won’t grow up and become a 60 year old man sitting at the next table to me in the restaurant tonight, chewing like a fucking brain damaged cunt.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 22, 2020
men are like “im sorry if me dating you made you think that I want to date you”
— maybe: Dallas (@realDKoelling) January 21, 2020
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
— pilau (@FU_TangClan) January 22, 2020
Nothing gives me anxiety like my husband coming home early from work and sitting in his car for a while.
Was he laid off?
Did he quit?
Is he injured?
Did Bohemian Rhapsody come on the radio as he pulled in and he is waiting for it to finish?
— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@AnecdtlBrthCtrl) January 22, 2020
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
— maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) January 22, 2020
Friend: What's your passcode?
Me: Omg, I can't tell you. What's on my phone is private.
*5 mins later*
Me, on Twitter: Here's a screenshot of a dumb text I sent to my ex. I cried last night because I ate too much marinara. The thing that scares me most about the voices in my h
— Nick Lehmann (@NickStopTalking) January 22, 2020
Me and other atheists when we hear the seven trumpets sound: https://t.co/mG1Wimn7SU
— Zi (@Ziziian) January 22, 2020