Friday is here and I know the first thing that everyone is going to do and no it is not turning up! It is coming here and checking to see what have we posted. Also, for those of you who are stuck late night in the office on a Friday night, do not worry because we got you covered. We have enough content to not only entertain you but to entertain everyone at the office! That is right, it is now time for our daily top ten Tweets. Enjoy 😊!
Me: Parent-teacher conferences are tomorrow.
Me: You're not worried at all?
7: I do all my bad stuff at home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 23, 2020
mugger: empty your wallet right now
me: ok *dumps out a bunch of old receipts*
mugger: wait, what?
me: *runs away gleefully*
mugger: there’s one from 2014!
mugger: it’s just for gas!
mugger: why did you still have this?!?
— 🥨 Kate (@Kateness8) January 23, 2020
If we dated before i turned 18 you’re not my ex .. you’re my childhood friend
— ❥ (@seIfcontained) January 23, 2020
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
— pilau (@FU_TangClan) January 22, 2020
I cannot believe my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That’s strike one buddy. Two more instances like that and you’re gonna get a warning
— Mat (@matchu_chutrain) January 24, 2020
parents: “have you fed the dog”
the dog looking at me bc im lying: https://t.co/iGzeWI3RXG
— 𝙩𝙤𝙣𝙮ً (@tonyIol) January 23, 2020
white ppl will have a son named Rex they walk on a leash but have a dog named Steven they keep in a stroller
— ً (@Grandpa) January 23, 2020
women are so strong, when I cheated on my girlfriend 11 times, we were able to work thru it and stay together, but when I found out she got lunch with her male coworker once, I wasn’t strong enough to stay in that relationship knowing she betrayed my trust like that
— blondie wasabi (@bIondiewasabi) January 23, 2020
Wife: Guess who said their first words today?
Me: He didn't!
Wife: Yes he did!
Me: omg what did the dog say?
Wife: I was talking about your son
Me: He said a whole sentence?!!
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 23, 2020
Is it a garbage truck? https://t.co/Fmpwe1nWTL
— Wendy's (@Wendys) January 23, 2020