Hey everybody, it’s saturday again, do you all enjoy to finally being able to catch a break, relax and having some takeout food with your significant other? Or did you only enjoy eating takeout and getting to the chores you missed because you were too busy reading our daily top ten updates? Okay, let’s not dive deeper into that topic, we got you. Have fun!
Nobody asks me about my favourite dinosaur anymore. Being a grown-up is bullshit.
— 🔴 Nom de Benoît (@NomDeBenoit) January 24, 2020
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
— ⚠️maxx⚠️ (@climaxximus) January 24, 2020
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can't believe my luck!
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
— phil (@PhilJamesson) January 23, 2020
Listen, sneaking snacks into the theater is a sport unto itself, and if you don't agree we should probably see other people. Now are you gonna help me plug in the blender or what?
— untitled dadjokes game (@perlhack) January 21, 2020
I’d like to be a stay at home mom. But only if my kid isn’t also at home.
— Buffaluffagus 🙈 (@MissSassy_Pants) January 23, 2020
Why can’t anyone love me as hard as I love them?
Server: Ma’am shrimp scampi is incapable of loving you and please let go of my hand I have tables…
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 23, 2020
This is my emotional support chloroform and bone saw
— Elisabeth🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) January 23, 2020
[guy about to invent country music]
*looking at his truck* i want to fuck this so bad
— randy (@leakypod) January 23, 2020
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
— Queer Paranormal 🏳️🌈👻 (@ParanormalQueer) January 20, 2020
Prince Eric: wanna get sushi?
Prince Eric: lmao I forgot you can’t talk
Ariel: [writing] 𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓌𝑒 𝑒𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒻𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓃𝒹𝓈?
— pilau (@FU_TangClan) January 23, 2020