Best of Twitter from January 25, 2020

Hey everybody, it’s saturday again, do you all enjoy to finally being able to catch a break, relax and having some takeout food with your significant other? Or did you only enjoy eating takeout and getting to the chores you missed because you were too busy reading our daily top ten updates? Okay, let’s not dive deeper into that topic, we got you. Have fun!

#1:

Nobody asks me about my favourite dinosaur anymore. Being a grown-up is bullshit.

— 🔴 Nom de Benoît (@NomDeBenoit) January 24, 2020

#2:

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

— ⚠️maxx⚠️ (@climaxximus) January 24, 2020

#3:

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can't believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

— phil (@PhilJamesson) January 23, 2020

#4:

Listen, sneaking snacks into the theater is a sport unto itself, and if you don't agree we should probably see other people. Now are you gonna help me plug in the blender or what?

— untitled dadjokes game (@perlhack) January 21, 2020

#5:

I’d like to be a stay at home mom. But only if my kid isn’t also at home.

— Buffaluffagus 🙈 (@MissSassy_Pants) January 23, 2020

#6:

Why can’t anyone love me as hard as I love them?

Server: Ma’am shrimp scampi is incapable of loving you and please let go of my hand I have tables…

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 23, 2020

#7:

This is my emotional support chloroform and bone saw

— Elisabeth🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) January 23, 2020

#8:

[guy about to invent country music]

*looking at his truck* i want to fuck this so bad

— randy (@leakypod) January 23, 2020

#9:

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

— Queer Paranormal 🏳️‍🌈👻 (@ParanormalQueer) January 20, 2020

#10:

Prince Eric: wanna get sushi?

Ariel:

Prince Eric:

Ariel:

Prince Eric: lmao I forgot you can’t talk

Ariel:

Prince Eric:

Ariel: [writing] 𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓌𝑒 𝑒𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒻𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓃𝒹𝓈?

— pilau (@FU_TangClan) January 23, 2020