The weekend is almost over and as you already know, tomorrow we will go back to work again. The weekend was too short not giving us enough time to finish our wine. Many people will try to finish their wine to help get through the beginning of the week. But let’s be honest, no wine can get us through the week but maybe our Dailies can help
a food truck called idontunderstandwich that only sells soup
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) January 24, 2020
vegetarian: i'm a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
— Pats A' Tweetin (@PatsATweetin) January 24, 2020
my first report out of Sundance: the woman next to me just said loudly “Siri, what is middle seat etiquette?” then showed me Google search results on “middle seat armrests” and said she’s legally the owner of both middle armrests and I am not allowed to put my arm down 😎
— rachel handler (@rachel_handler) January 24, 2020
Employee: Do you need help finding anything?
Me, about to be lost for 45 minutes: No.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) January 25, 2020
My son thinks that since he has 2 testicles, he can have 2 kids when he grows up.
I'm not entirely sure my husband doesn't believe the same thing.
— Marl (@Marlebean) January 25, 2020
– played out
– difficult to position correctly
– can’t look into her eyes 🥺
kittystyle (she scratches your face and pushes you off the bed)
– extremely easy to do
– gaze into her eyes in shock as you’re falling off the bed 😍
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) January 25, 2020
I once got fired from a coffee shop in philly for being trans which is crazy bc I should have been fired for all the money I was stealing
— 💪🏼 (@cis_jenner) January 24, 2020
thinking about the guy i dated who would literally check himself into the hospital after a friday night of drinking just so he could get an IV, cure his hangover, and then go out drinking again on saturday night
— colleen (@Coll3enG) January 24, 2020
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
— Mal (@TheRealPalMal) January 25, 2020
Her: I’m an Instagram model.
Me: I’m a Twitter comedian.
Her: Say something funny.
Me: I’m an Instagram model.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 20, 2020