We are pretty much done with the first month of the new year and I have to say I don’t think I am doing this dieting thing right. I mean I joined a gym being promised results and I’m sitting here on the couch with my diet soda wondering why I can’t fit in my old pants yet. Well anyway here is our last daily for this month. We’ll see you next month đ!
#1:
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like "he's just playful" no ma'am you're in love with a wildebeest
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) January 30, 2020
#2:
Iâve never been called âbabyâ by a man but I have been called âterrifyingâ, âmenacingly silentâ and âhow long have you been standing in the darkâ
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) January 30, 2020
#3:
me: ooo kinky
executioner: stop that— Pats A' Tweetin (@PatsATweetin) January 28, 2020
#4:
family: you good?? weâre worried about u
me: *pouring vodka in my cereal* why do u ask?
— â Luis Vercetti â (@97Vercetti) January 30, 2020
#5:
iced coffee be like oh we really gonna make him shit his pants this time
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) January 30, 2020
#6:
I took my daughter to see Frozen on Broadway as a surprise and when we got there she looks at me and says âwhy didnât you make me wear my Frozen dress???â pic.twitter.com/XCkmQg13pG
— your favorite dad đŻđ˛ (@malcolmpyeung) January 30, 2020
#7:
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
â â ď¸maxxâ ď¸ (@climaxximus) January 30, 2020
#8:
i donât know how many diet cokes u need to drink to lose weight but so far it isnât thirteen
— randy (@leakypod) January 31, 2020
#9:
Friend: so whatâs it like parenting a toddler?
Me: why?
Friend: just curious.
Me: why?
Friend: I donât know nevermind.
Me: why?
Friend:
Me: why?
Friend: hey fuck you man.
Me: yes thatâs it exactly.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 30, 2020
#10:
âIâve CCâd in my bossâ
– professional
– corporate
– mildly threateningâYou wanna say that in front of Greg?â
– confident
– threat level 9000
– who is Greg and what is he capable of— rubyđŚ (@roobeekeane) January 29, 2020