We are pretty much done with the first month of the new year and I have to say I don’t think I am doing this dieting thing right. I mean I joined a gym being promised results and I’m sitting here on the couch with my diet soda wondering why I can’t fit in my old pants yet. Well anyway here is our last daily for this month. We’ll see you next month 😉!
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like "he's just playful" no ma'am you're in love with a wildebeest
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) January 30, 2020
I’ve never been called “baby” by a man but I have been called “terrifying”, “menacingly silent” and “how long have you been standing in the dark”
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) January 30, 2020
me: ooo kinky
executioner: stop that
— Pats A' Tweetin (@PatsATweetin) January 28, 2020
family: you good?? we’re worried about u
me: *pouring vodka in my cereal* why do u ask?
— ☆ Luis Vercetti ☆ (@97Vercetti) January 30, 2020
iced coffee be like oh we really gonna make him shit his pants this time
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) January 30, 2020
I took my daughter to see Frozen on Broadway as a surprise and when we got there she looks at me and says “why didn’t you make me wear my Frozen dress???” pic.twitter.com/XCkmQg13pG
— your favorite dad 🇯🇲 (@malcolmpyeung) January 30, 2020
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
— ⚠️maxx⚠️ (@climaxximus) January 30, 2020
i don’t know how many diet cokes u need to drink to lose weight but so far it isn’t thirteen
— randy (@leakypod) January 31, 2020
Friend: so what’s it like parenting a toddler?
Friend: just curious.
Friend: I don’t know nevermind.
Friend: hey fuck you man.
Me: yes that’s it exactly.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 30, 2020
“I’ve CC’d in my boss”
– mildly threatening
“You wanna say that in front of Greg?”
– threat level 9000
– who is Greg and what is he capable of
— ruby🦎 (@roobeekeane) January 29, 2020