Happy “not Monday» everyone. We know how dull and depressing Mondays can be. Thats why we are bringing you our top ten Tweets of the day!
#1:
What did people who robbed banks in the 1800's even want the money for? Nothing good was invented yet. You want a bigger horse? Get your rootin tootin ass outta here
— brandAn is good (@LeBearGirdle) January 5, 2020
#2:
Wife: Can you do something for me?
Me: Sure.
Wife: Can you do it without complaining?
Me: I’ll get someone else.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2020
#3:
therapist: sometimes you need to get off of twitter
me: you’re probably right
mark zuckerberg: [rips off therapist mask] and then go back to facebook. please i’m so fucken desperate
— Kieran (@KieranMSimpson) January 5, 2020
#4:
imagine how fucken tragic it would be if u lived ur whole life between 1682 (invention of jelly) and 1895 (invention of peanut butter)
— randy (@leakypod) January 5, 2020
#5:
women be so single .. then boom .. baby shower pictures with some drug dealer in a polo shirt
— LUIS FUCKING VERCETTI (@97Vercetti) January 5, 2020
#6:
Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 6, 2020
#7:
wasted 3 weeks dming this girl only for her get in a relationship, put her new man in her bio and not even bring it up to me… so if ur reading this nicole, good luck. wish you and this «Corinthians» guy the best
— ً (@Grandpa) January 5, 2020
#8:
Me: Get dressed for church.
9-year-old: I am dressed.
Me: You can’t wear pajamas.
9: Then God shouldn’t make church so early.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2020
#9:
I like to clean the house in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the vacuum.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 6, 2020
#10:
Look like H&M advertising https://t.co/mO1tEx9bqh
— Rod (@RodiNaHellcat) January 5, 2020
