Australia is on fire. 30 people died in Nigeria due to a bomb explosion. Trump has authorized the killing of an Iranian general and the Twitter community is predicting World War III. It was a dark first week of the new year. In order to bring something positive, we have taken our task as humor supplier very seriously. 10 little laughs incoming!
when i came out to my dad as bi he was like "i know" and i asked how and he just said "no straight woman loves keira knightley as much as you do"
— nicky the friendly shark (@mostlysharks) January 6, 2020
I need to know how little of a personality you have to have for the bachelor producers to be like hell yeah you played basketball in high school we can work with that
— BARTY (@postgrad_barty) January 7, 2020
nothing gets the planet more heated then celebrities who use private jets and complain about global warming on twitter https://t.co/DM2pOyHiKw
— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) January 6, 2020
If I were hailey bieber I would simply tell my husband that his new song sucks
— Alyssa Schoener (@alyssa_schoener) January 7, 2020
sirens in greek mythology really just be beautiful immortal ladies chilling in the water with their titties out waiting for sailors to come by so they could sing pretty songs and lure them to their deaths. god i wish that were me
— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) January 6, 2020
Day 256 without sex: at least I still have carbs
Day 4 without carbs: there’s no point in living
— que cera sarah 🤷 (@dooz_er) January 6, 2020
her: when I'm with you, time stands still…
her: like you know how "time flies when you're having fun"
— Pats A' Tweetin (@PatsATweetin) January 6, 2020
Him: Your ex-wife’s parents got arrested the day you got divorced?
Me: Which means-
Me [takes off shades]: my in-laws-
Me [puts shades back on because it’s mad bright outside]: BECAME OUTLAWS
— Glenn (@Shenaniglenns) January 6, 2020
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) January 6, 2020
ᵀʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ⁿᵒ ˢᵘᶜʰ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ᵃˢ ᵃ ᵈᵘᵐᵇ ᵠᵘᵉˢᵗᶦᵒⁿ pic.twitter.com/odz0C8Gk8w
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) January 6, 2020