While clubbing is still out of question, weekends are already changing since things are getting back to normal. We meet old friends again, the new friends we made along the way are suffering. My delivery guy, the girl answering the phone at the pizza joint and Sven, the quarantine rat living in our backyard. I miss you guys, take care Sven. You adorable longnosed bastard. Perhaps he would like our daily. Or you do! Enjoy.
Batman: I was wearing masks before it was cool
Wonder Woman: give it a rest dude
Batman: hold on I’ve got something for you [rummages in utility belt, pulls out middle finger]
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) July 8, 2020
ME: The less we drive, the smaller our carbon footprint, the better future we leave
WIFE: So you're not coming to the kids school play?
— mo (@chuuew) July 10, 2020
The speed we went from “Teachers are underappreciated, we should pay them triple!” to “Get in the classroom and watch the children so we can get back to work, even if it kills you” is quite breathtaking.
— Mattie B 🏳️🌈 (@stoodle) July 8, 2020
[giving my son The Talk]
ok so there’s this bird right. and he wants to fuck a bee. now imagine this bee had a vagina. yes! exactly like the ones in porn. now the next thing our friend mister bird needs is the bee’s consent,
— eli 👖🎷👖 (@jazz_inmypants) July 8, 2020
i don’t know who needs to hear this but shower sex is overly complicated and dangerous as fuck go to bed
— Hateful Unicorn™️ (@HatefulUnicorn) July 8, 2020
schools still charging $50k to teach online classes? u better get Harry Styles on that zoom call to read those lecture slides about cultural anthropology
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) July 8, 2020
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 7, 2020
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
— ADHDeanBLM (@ADHDeanASL) July 10, 2020
what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??
— tiny thwala (@ziiethwala) July 7, 2020
after strangers at the library ask me to watch their stuff pic.twitter.com/WgXU9Ewvhb
— Claudius (@xclaudius) July 9, 2020