Good evening and welcome back to the thoughtful, inspiring, uplifting, and quite frankly, mostly disturbing depths of Twitter. Once again we did what every queen bee does: Send out our little workers into a hostile environment again and again in order to collect the droplets for our common livelihood until they dry up after a surprisingly short lifetime like the brain of a hardcore football fan after a lost final. Isn’t nature just great? Exactly! Just like our Tweets of the day. Please enjoy!
adulthood is just watching all of your hobbies disintegrate as you disappear into a 40-50 hour workweek
— trash jones (@jzux) July 12, 2021
In case you ever wanted to know what happens when a dog gets hold of a box of Sugar Puffs.😆😆 pic.twitter.com/R3yuWQteGT
— Lynn 🏴💜🤍💚 (@limpet67) July 11, 2021
I’m more impressed by the girl who won the spelling bee than the billionaire who went to space.
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) July 11, 2021
There are exactly 2 reasons why a person doesn’t have children: They can’t or they don’t want to. Either way, it is none of your god damn business.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 12, 2021
How sweet they let the kid in the royal box wear the football shirt pic.twitter.com/tx3v9xQbNu
— Emma Kennedy💙 (@EmmaKennedy) July 11, 2021
One time, when I was a hostess at Chili’s, someone called and asked me what the phone number was. She thanked me, hung up and called back 2 seconds later to make a reservation. It’s been 20 years and I still think about it.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 12, 2021
random man outside the dive bar said «you are so beautiful» to my two female friends and then followed up to me with «im working on my homophobia. you’re beautiful too»
— judith butler bible thumper (@philosophysux) July 11, 2021
My friends are all planning exotic vacations & I’m over here like, “Let’s eat dinner outside tonight.”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 13, 2021
I hate when ppl email back too quickly. i just ticked that off my todo list, now i gotta add this to the list again
— OLONI BABY (@Oloni) July 12, 2021
— socks magocs 🤙 (@RottenTunaGames) July 11, 2021