Hooray! Wednesday is the fifth least favorite day of the week. No, we won’t get too excited and will not dance around in our underpants but it’s not too sad. So anyway, if you want to celebrate the middle of the week, grab yourself a beer or a glas of wine and do what you want to do. A lot of great thinkers used to drink on weekdays. You don’t have to feel guilty or be ashamed. But please make sure, your underwear is fresh and clean before you drop your pants. And now for something completely different, our gems for today. Enjoy!
A collection of me turning into random objects. pic.twitter.com/ValPdPNJIj
— Kevin Parry (@kevinbparry) July 13, 2021
the night before a move is basically throwing things in the trash that you thought you'd cherish forever with a kind of casual coldness that you did not know you possessed
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) July 13, 2021
— Farris Hilton (@FUCCl) July 12, 2021
I wouldn’t go to space even if I was invited because I know what’s my business and what’s not
— raina (@quakerraina) July 13, 2021
when i finish a jar of pickles i cut up a cucumber and put the slices back in the jar until they pickle too. i call this endless pickles
— trash jones (@jzux) July 13, 2021
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor: I'm gonna put no
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 13, 2021
Applying for jobs is so embarrassing like bitch fuck you don’t make me beg for something I don’t want
— clintoris (@clintoris) July 12, 2021
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
— CUBOSH (@cubosh) July 12, 2021
everybody thinks being a guy is easy. well guess what? my fucking truck won’t start right now and i’m running late to a ball game.
— 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 (@calebsaysthings) July 14, 2021
I was having dinner outside and a very good dog walked by without stopping and feeling heartbroken I exclaimed “no come back!” and the dog owner turned around and said “you want to say hi? Ok!” and brought the very good dog back to kiss me, with each day my powers grow stronger
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) July 13, 2021