One more day until you can already feel the weekend, the gentle touch of a half emptied, cheap bottle of wine, the smell of despair while looking for the leftover pizza at 4am and, of course, the country playlist of your weird neighbour. Screw you, Nick. Meanwhile Twitter decided to remove their hugely successful «Fleet» feature, causing people to, well. Actually not care in the slightest. What are Fleets you ask? Exactly. So activate your last energy reserves, power through one more night and establish dominance on your floor by telling Alexa to play your «proto germanic barbarian war chants with human skull drums» playlist all night. SCREW YOU, NICK. Perhaps while reading our gems? That’s totally up to you. Enjoy! Except you, Nick.
It's not drinking alone if you have the love of Christ in your heart
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) July 14, 2021
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) July 11, 2021
Just consider this…
There are people with enough free time to have decided on their favorite Adam Sandler movie.
— 🤘gimmejams🤘 (@80sjams) July 13, 2021
Wife: I'm angry with you
Me: Again or still?
— No Pants Papple 🚫👖🍍 (@pantless_papple) July 13, 2021
— Brunette Bohemian (@Jane_Doe82) July 14, 2021
Saw a bee just completely covered in pollen, and couldn’t help thinking “she works hard for the honey”
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) July 14, 2021
Dogs would lose it if they'd ever realize they are living on A GIANT BALL
— cookie mumbles (@cookie_mumbles) July 13, 2021
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) July 14, 2021
Don’t call me “honey” and expect it to soften the fact that you SHRUNK the KIDS
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 15, 2021
There are people out there who are like "never, ever, EVER make your children feel like their feelings are invalid," but once my son cried uncontrollably because he couldn't get the juice back into his orange, so I'm just suggesting that maybe "never" is a bit extreme.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 14, 2021