It’s finally Saturday, so it’s also time to get out the good wine. Instead of the cheap after work bottle you usually down because it «helps you focus after a long day» aka fall asleep at 9pm with one hand covered in popcorn while the other is searching the remote. Only mean people would say that «Alexa, it’s time, open the coffin» could be really cool famous last words. And while we’re at it, our famous last words should of course be the best Tweets of the day, so do us a favour, everyone remember this and tell it to the poor guy who’ll be writing our eulogy. Speaking of great Tweets, we «focused» the whole day to bring exactly those to paper again, just for your well deserved pleasure. Well, not exactly paper, but at least on a very nice and clean website. So have fun and excuse us, there’s a lot of focusing to be handled on the weekend. Cheers!
Me: Sir, I’m going to have to remind you that this is a library, so please keep your voice down.
My psychiatrist: *whispers: ok, see this is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.
— Even Poutier McGee (@OGPoutyMcgee) July 16, 2021
person: I’m sad
doctor: here are pills that make it impossible to cum or lose weight
— glamorous reptile (@glamoureptile) July 16, 2021
i fucking hate living downtown someone just snatched my chipotle and got on the train pic.twitter.com/3YAPrhGsN1
— abdi (@tropicanapussy) July 16, 2021
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
— witt (@50FirstTates) July 16, 2021
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 15, 2021
I’m still wearing a mask in public, partly because a man hasn’t told me to smile in over a year.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) July 16, 2021
How come in the movies when the bartender says, "what'll you have?" and the guy answers, "whisky," the bartender never says, "look behind me. There's 120 different bottles back there and they're all whisky. Let's start over. What'll you have?"
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) July 16, 2021
I hope this email finds you trapped in quicksand
— McErin☘ (@colleen_eileen) July 16, 2021
100% of the meals i make at home, i would send back if they were brought to me at a restaurant
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 16, 2021
trying to flirt with a waitress and accidentally writing my phone number in the tip section of the receipt and charging 7 billion dollars to my debit card
— cIay (@bitchrespecter) July 15, 2021