Welcome back everyone! The moment we’ve been longing for ever since the first alarm ring on Monday morning is here! Drop your pants, order the first of many pizzas and enjoy 2.5 days of total freedom. Unless you’re Britney Spears of course, then you’re screwed. Quite obviously, just because you’re making other people earn millions of dollars doesn’t necessarily mean you can decide whether or not to leave your own house, got it. Which is why we don’t make a fortune in the first place, right? Anyway, whatever you do this weekend, don’t forget to have fun and enjoy our Tweets of the day!
#1: (EMT = Emergency Medical Technician)
Just remembered that the EMTs who last treated my mom said that they’d stopped asking who the president was in 2017 because most people either got angry or simply refused to answer.
— Benjamin Dreyer (@BCDreyer) July 1, 2021
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse. pic.twitter.com/qW4bNUzG8W
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 1, 2021
romcoms are like “HE is the misogynist CEO of a corporation that bulldozes orphanages to build banks for the military… SHE loves arts & crafts a little more than the average person… They BOTH have flaws.”
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) June 29, 2021
billion dollar idea: making editing PDFs like really easy
— Liz Maupin (@LizMaupin) July 1, 2021
my dad and his friends just started going on coffee outings once a week and this week it’s his turn to pick a place and i just witnessed him call a coffee shop and ask if they serve a variety of different coffees
— James (@CaucasianJames) July 1, 2021
i’m on the toilet…..and he decided to keep me company.
this is true companionship pic.twitter.com/lzejSeNWzf
— queen quen (@quenblackwell) July 2, 2021
Asked my daughter what she wanted for lunch and she said “tacos” so we found a taco truck but she couldn’t decide what to order because “all they have is tacos” so the answer is 9, that is the age ladies become impossible to please.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 1, 2021
me: [on fire] i shouldn’t have used all those plastic straws
billionaires: [leaving on space yachts] you shouldn’t have used all those plastic straws
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) June 30, 2021
Unrealistic beauty standards strike again pic.twitter.com/CvGr68RoID
— Miri ‘Kroshka’ Teixeira 🏴 (@AllegedlyMiri) July 1, 2021
IKEA made a couch for me 🙂 pic.twitter.com/CDL2fIlPHk
— Mike Abrusci (@mikeabrusci) June 29, 2021