No casualities from Monday? Everyone feeling fine? Great, you know the rules of the apocalypse: You sneeze, you’re out. Yes, the window, not the just the group hug. We have Troja again (it’s making an amazing comeback), the birds and bees talk and a few surprises. Hold on to your afterwork drink and enjoy the ride.
fish are dumb as hell. u just watched ur friend get sucked out of the water after eating food and then more food is dropped in and ur like "don't mind if i do" u idiot. u fucking idiot
— james (@videojames_) July 20, 2020
[first day as a detective]
partner: he must have drow–
me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool
— cory (@harvardgraduat) July 20, 2020
“the human body is 70 percent water” bro I am about 20 percent ill-conceived whimsy and 80 percent spite
— The Library Owl 🌻🧙♀️🦉 (@SketchesbyBoze) July 18, 2020
PLEASE stop warning people to stop ingesting disinfectant. Lets just let this one play out.
— Swedish Sweetie (@swedishsweets99) July 19, 2020
My sister has glued glitter to 6 wine glasses, 3 lamp shades, and multiple candles.
I’m scheduling an intervention before she finds the cat.
— Just J (@junejuly12) July 15, 2020
absolutely can’t relate to people who are like “don’t fuck w me. you’ll regret it.” you can absolutely fuck w me and i will not retaliate whatsoever. i sleep 4 hours a night, i never eat vegetables, i literally don’t have the energy.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 20, 2020
Alcohol companies are like “please enjoy responsibly” ok I will drink alone in my room with my SIM card taken out
— Jared Goldstein (@heyjaredhey) July 14, 2020
[walking in on my son and his gf]
Me: time to talk about birds and bees
Son: dad omg-
Me: they get to fly and we’re stuck on land. What gives them the right. Anyway enjoy your sex
— Glenn (@Shenaniglenns) July 20, 2020
i personally think cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup
— corri (@okiecorri) July 20, 2020
Don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious pic.twitter.com/DC7wTMEITg
— eli e-i-o (@jazz_inmypants) July 20, 2020