So while the guy who’s running the US of A is playing „name 5 things you see“ on national TV, we’re thinking about stuff you would rather experience. Getting a pedicure with a chainsaw for example. Or winning a family trip to Portland. OR enjoying our daily. Have fun as long as you can!
Them: You have tattoos? But that’s a lifetime commitment!
Me: Yeah so’s your face. What’s your point?
— OMG, Becky! (@thehubrispanda) July 24, 2020
I do very well on the dementia tests I constantly have to take, said the guy in charge of nukes.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 21, 2020
Me as a guest in literally anyone’s home: pic.twitter.com/kWk2midne1
— Roy🌾 (@MyNameIsArchaic) July 15, 2020
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
— bacon popsicle 💐 (@Gupton68) July 24, 2020
I hate when you break up with someone and they’re like “you’ll never find anyone else like me” like yea… that’s kind of the point
— cal? (@cal_gif) July 24, 2020
ME [vigorously shaking a bottle of red wine]: would you like a sippy cup or a Shrek mug for this
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) July 24, 2020
Frodo: i'll carry the ring but i do not know the way
Gandalf: we are mostly in this together
Gandalf: i'll be there like 75% of the way
Gandalf: *mounting eagle* look i'll be honest i'm not a huge fan of walking i'll catch up later
— Quilliam (@nyquills) July 24, 2020
HER: a little to the left
ME: universal healthcare
ME: erradicate billionaires
HER: ya that's the spot
— james (@heybuddy_comic) July 24, 2020
HER: Sorry, what was your name?
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: Haha, okay, so, funny story
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) July 24, 2020
Signatures are so weird. It's like, okay you have to believe it's really me because I used cursive.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 24, 2020