It’s Wednesday folks, we’re halfway through! So lay down the chainsaws, even if people are trying to communicate with you in the subway when you’re clearly using headphones, the international sign for «talk to me and suffer», it’s not worth it. We’re far too pretty for prison. What else is new? A tornado is heading towards Japan, so you could say the surfers at the Olympics are happy, everyone else could experience a whole new definition of «being blown away» during an event. There was a mysterious explosion at a chem lab in Germany, so whoever had zombie attack on their 2021 bingo card and prepared for it could be a very lucky person and not be so crazy after all. Last but not least, of course there are also the gems we found for you, just in case you want to read something funny one more time before the zombie tornado hits your country. In this spirit, enjoy and remember, the last one gets bitten first!
Tinder date took 1 liter of blood out of my body and then just??? returned to the mother ship ?????? I literally cannot stand men i'm???????
— delaney (@coaIburner) July 26, 2021
I’m your wife. You might remember me from such hits as It’s in the Hall Closet and its sequel Look Again.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 26, 2021
monster fucking guitar solo this way. pic.twitter.com/AnbLshT2BG
— NurseBrianRN (@rn_murse) July 26, 2021
The CDC wants me to wear a mask while I’m in my own home? They don’t? Well too bad I already got angry about it
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 27, 2021
My favorite part of looking back on childhood is trying to deduce which adults in charge were just barely keeping their shit together.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 25, 2021
“Fitness” influencers love to be like here are 5 easy steps to get a six pack:
1. Be naturally skinny
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) July 27, 2021
hey my partner and I noticed you from across the bar and we saw that you aren’t eating the pickle that came with your sandwich can i have it
— Moreen (@MoreenMcG) July 22, 2021
One of my employees said he doesn’t wanna get married to his long term girlfriend because he doesn’t want her to “take half” …. I asked him what he had and now we’re sitting in silence.
— Caresha Scott King (@_PoisonIveyy) July 26, 2021
hey you. yes you. breathe. you’re going to be okay you overthinking beautiful bitch.
— 𝓶 ♡ (@Love_bug1016) July 27, 2021
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 27, 2021