Today on Best of Twitter we have just what you need to get through the day. If you are feeling like 2020 is not the year than you are correct. 2020 is just one big dream that I am still waiting to get pinched from. At least we hope this is just some ultimate prank show. I am still waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out on live television and say ‹You Got Punk’d›. But until that happens here’s a toast to 2020 and today’s Daily. Cheers!
me: just going to walk down my stairs, safely unimpeded
my cat: [3 rooms away, from a dead sleep] challenge accepted
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) July 7, 2020
4YO: Dad said the fuck-word
Me: Ok, but you don’t need to repeat it
4YO: I didn’t. I said fuck-WORD
Me: You need to say f-word
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 7, 2020
Anyone know which airport has flights out of 2020?
— Stephani (@Steph_A_Nanny) July 6, 2020
Me: Hey Siri, what’s my calendar look like?
Siri: we soon will overthrow our human overlords
Siri: umm… Real Housewives is on in 10 minutes
— An English Human (@English_Channel) July 7, 2020
6-year-old: Can I have ice cream?
Me: It's a little early.
6: Ice cream can't tell time.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2020
Me: *googling* how to kill a plant
Google: insufficient water, nutrients, or sunlight
Me: *choking as vines tighten* how to kill a plant faster
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 6, 2020
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
— Cognac Papi (@BigRuSantana) July 6, 2020
if I die after I pay my rent, sit me on the couch till da 30th
— c mo 💲 (@Cxlby_) July 6, 2020
capitalism: be productive or die
corona: be unproductive or die
me: what do i do
government: idk seems like you should die
— james (@heybuddy_comic) July 6, 2020
Covid gave me PTSD .. every social gathering just looks dirty now
— Justice for Elijah Mcclain (@DJZeeti) July 6, 2020