I just ordered pizza for the first time since lockdown was lifted, and the delivery guy literally said «oh good, you really are still alive». Anyway, how’s your Saturday going so far? Here is a daily from A VERY MUCH ALIVE PERSON! Have fun.
Babies sneak into your home using your wife like a human trojan horse. Are those the actions of a "precious angel"? I think not.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 11, 2020
YES I’M STILL WEARING THE SAME SHIRT I HAD ON THREE DAYS AGO THAT’S HOW QUARANTINE WORKS
— The Girl Who Came to Say ACAB🦉 (@Mom_Overboard) June 11, 2020
— tara strong (@tarastrong) June 10, 2020
-Brain: Too expensive, you'll never wear it. Don't buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
— S🌟tella (@Havish_AF) June 12, 2020
When you’re waiting for your sandwich and Doritos after coming out of the pool pic.twitter.com/uqd0AzhR65
— POLO RALF (@ReckItRalf) June 11, 2020
my academic career is best summed up by the fact that the girl who asked “is sand alive?” in biology had a higher gpa than i did
— simon (is not my first name) (@SelfLoathingYou) June 11, 2020
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
— ⚠️maxx⚠️ (@climaxximus) June 12, 2020
bearded guys with heavy southern accents and progressive politics are our most powerful trojan horse
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) June 12, 2020
i accepted some lady’s fb request and she messaged me how she forgives me for fucking her husband. which i did, it’s true, but in my defense we were 17 at the time and they hadn’t met yet so i had reason to believe it would never ever come up again. anyway. how’re yall doin
— rax ‘i yield my time FUCK YOU’ king (@RaxKingIsDead) June 12, 2020
schrodinger: ignore that
— seaelle (@ellewasamistake) June 12, 2020