It’s Friday, everyone! That one day of the week that probably no one can screw up. In fact, all you can do is make it even better with the best Tweets. Today with a pediatrician who learned a lesson by a real expert, a snappy discovery from the depths of the salad buffet and a cry for help from the office. Get an extra drink for this weekend and enjoy! (Oh, and if you happen to be in New York, stay away from Columbus Circle!)
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals pic.twitter.com/eFYvHTitan
— Midge (@mxmclain) June 17, 2021
Good afternoon to everyone, but especially to the 5-year-old who wanted to extend his telehealth visit with me to talk about dinosaurs.
— Daniel Summers, MD 🏳️🌈 (@WFKARS) June 16, 2021
every relationship has one person who wants to watch all the shows together and one person who already watched them all while they were asleep
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 16, 2021
when i was pregnant sleeping was really all i did. so… one day i was like “ima take a nap in my lunch break”. i went to my car at noon to nap. bitch… next thing i know… the security guard, my mama, & the police was tapping on my window. it was 7:45pm. they thought i was dead.
— 𝕠𝕜 𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕤 𝕗𝕒𝕓𝕦𝕝𝕠𝕦𝕤 𝕘𝕚𝕣𝕝 𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟸† (@_iamtiredLord) June 15, 2021
Commenting “adopt don’t shop” on my friends’ pregnancy announcements
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) June 15, 2021
last night I told my date for Saturday about my kind of gender fluidity, and at first she wanted to think about it wasn’t sure about it, then this morning I find out she stayed up all night reading articles about it and then asked me some questions in a very polite and caring way
— suki (@desukidesu) June 16, 2021
I smiled at a woman in Columbus Circle. She smiled at me. We exchanged pleasantries about the beautiful day. Then she bent over, picked up a couple of oak leaves from the gutter, sniffed them, and ate them. I will see you all in another 15 months.
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) June 17, 2021
sorry I missed your call, I was staring at my phone until it stopped
— AN IDIOT (@itsallbollocks) June 15, 2021
I’m in Microsoft Excel fighting for my fucking life
— sultan (@sultangelo) June 15, 2021
Today’s lunch as movie posters (1/1) pic.twitter.com/a8XX58bdax
— Matthew Butler (@matthewjbutler) June 16, 2021