Life is like a box of chocolate. If you leave it in your car on a hot and sweaty day it will melt… uhm no. That doesn’t seem right. Let’s try another. If life gives you lemons, squeeze and use them as a cleaning polish… shit. That’s not right either. And why the heck does our office coffee taste like bourbon today? Is it Friday already? Ah, okay. Wednesday it is. We’re just celebrating the middle of the week and wait for a priceless hangover on Thursday. Got it! While we drop our pants and continue to act like crazy dancers, distract yourself and have a look at our gems for today.
— out of context dogs (@nosensememe) June 20, 2021
kids will say the most fucked up shit and then do a cartwheel like nothin happened
— Corn 𖤐 (@snuurid) June 22, 2021
— Peach Saliva (@PeachSaliva) June 20, 2021
Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”
— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) June 21, 2021
He was found in Southeast Asia and it's a flying lizard. Yes, gentlemen, a dragon. pic.twitter.com/m6fxgrvHHp
— Joe Forloines (@ForloinesJoseph) June 20, 2021
Pretty ridiculous how every injury you get after you turn 27 is just, like, permanent
— Beth May (@HeyBethMay) June 18, 2021
We can fund universal child care. Or we can keep handing Jeff Bezos enough tax savings to build a superyacht.
— Elizabeth Warren (@ewarren) June 21, 2021
my life motto is “tell everyone everything” bc everyone knows having secrets makes you a target for blackmailing. Anyway, what you call “oversharing” i call “blackmail prevention”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) June 21, 2021
A bird pooped on my husband's head and in his beer. And now I have to figure out how to keep my new beloved pet seagull calm in a car for the 5 hour ride home from vacation.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 21, 2021
That’s weird. My husband used the safe word when I was talking about how long my mother would be staying with us.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 22, 2021