Can you feel it? There’s something in the air. It smells like…energy. Joy. Freedom. It’s the smell of the upcoming weekend! Only one more day, then unlike the bitter, revolting and somehow slightly depressing smell of Monday, the weekend is like a breeze of fresh air mixed with a teeny tiny share of love. Or LSD for some folks. Or a cute llama. In any case something with an L and it has to be a good thing. While some of us are still exchausted from the work week, the heatwave and having to socialize with other humans again, most people enjoy the possibility to get finally rejected at parties in person again. Others got used to the company of animals and drugs and prefer to stay that way, what is more romantic to ride into the sunset on your favorite racoon? Okay, perhaps the LSD wasn’t the best idea, anyways, what is always a good idea? Right, our gems. Enjoy!
60% of married life is waiting for your seated spouse to stand up so you can remain seated and get whatever you need now delivered to you.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 23, 2021
Used CTRL P to print and now my boomer coworker is burning me at the stake as a witch
— McMermaid☘ (@colleen_eileen) June 21, 2021
my graffiti career is going well pic.twitter.com/XYqO2pwk7N
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 22, 2021
Most people are vegan to save animals, but not me. I’m vegan to kill the vegetables that murdered my father.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) June 24, 2021
If you take your coffee with milk and sweetners, you don't like coffee, you like hot milkshakes.
I will not be taking questions.
— Ricki Rasputin Fangirl Tarr (@ShootyDoody) June 23, 2021
[what companies think will happen]
chipotle employee: *has tattoo*
customer: good god u probably can’t make a burrito for shit
— witt (@50FirstTates) June 23, 2021
it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.
— .:RiotGrl:. (@RiotGrlErin) June 23, 2021
We've all been there pic.twitter.com/0M1LtuT7IC
— Rad Tasia Bass, Food Detective (@GroovyTasia) June 22, 2021
You're not allowed to steal a cop's gun, but if you try to kiss it they get angry too. They can't even decide what they want
— Darth Erogenous (@darth_erogenous) June 21, 2021
people asking "how are you," just presume I'm always terrible, next question please
— Ella Zee 🌈👑 (@EllaZee5) June 22, 2021