It’s warm. Let me rephrase, it’s hot. Not only does this affect my ability to be even remotely funny – for us pale people, even the trip to the supermarket is a challenge. («Look, they have red watermelons now!» «Ma’am, please don’t touch my head.»). So without further delay, our Daily. Enjoy.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
— bacon popsicle 👨🏼🏫 (@Gupton68) June 26, 2020
My body has less of a "fight or flight" response and more of an "eat and retreat" strategy.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 26, 2020
I've been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) June 24, 2020
Phase 4 of reopening is licking your mailman's fingers as he slides your mail through the slot.
— ᎽÆᏞ (𝐁𝐋𝐌✊) (@elle91) June 26, 2020
Gay marriage has now been around longer than the Confederacy.
Build statues for that you cowards.
— Chris Creamer (@CCXIII) June 26, 2020
Me, driving by your house with a megaphone: No, YOU'RE dramatic
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) June 26, 2020
This girl on Tinder said she didn’t want to date me so I tried calling her a whore and she didn’t offer me sex women are a mystery
— Teighler Westley von Smith (@TeighlerS) June 26, 2020
love the competitive spirit when ur washing ur hands in a public restroom. like fuck u buddy u really think ur better at rinsing than me ?? i'll scrub my skin off
— thomas (@thombodytolove) June 25, 2020
This pandemic is exactly why I hated group projects in school.
— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) June 25, 2020
Wear a mask. That is, unless you want to be intubated by a gynecology intern July 1st who did her last semester of med school via Zoom.
— Dr. Emily Porter, M.D. (@dremilyportermd) June 26, 2020