It’s warm. Let me rephrase, it’s hot. Not only does this affect my ability to be even remotely funny – for us pale people, even the trip to the supermarket is a challenge. («Look, they have red watermelons now!» «Ma’am, please don’t touch my head.»). So without further delay, our Daily. Enjoy.
#1:
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
— bacon popsicle 👨🏼🏫 (@Gupton68) June 26, 2020
#2:
My body has less of a "fight or flight" response and more of an "eat and retreat" strategy.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 26, 2020
#3:
I've been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) June 24, 2020
#4:
Phase 4 of reopening is licking your mailman's fingers as he slides your mail through the slot.
— ᎽÆᏞ (𝐁𝐋𝐌✊) (@elle91) June 26, 2020
#5:
Gay marriage has now been around longer than the Confederacy.
Build statues for that you cowards.
— Chris Creamer (@CCXIII) June 26, 2020
#6:
Me, driving by your house with a megaphone: No, YOU'RE dramatic
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) June 26, 2020
#7:
This girl on Tinder said she didn’t want to date me so I tried calling her a whore and she didn’t offer me sex women are a mystery
— Teighler Westley von Smith (@TeighlerS) June 26, 2020
#8:
love the competitive spirit when ur washing ur hands in a public restroom. like fuck u buddy u really think ur better at rinsing than me ?? i'll scrub my skin off
— thomas (@thombodytolove) June 25, 2020
#9:
This pandemic is exactly why I hated group projects in school.
— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) June 25, 2020
#10:
Wear a mask. That is, unless you want to be intubated by a gynecology intern July 1st who did her last semester of med school via Zoom.
— Dr. Emily Porter, M.D. (@dremilyportermd) June 26, 2020