Once again we survived the infamous Monday, but given the state the world is in, it feels a bit like getting off the Titanic, just to realize the wooden plank isn’t as comfortable as it looked. Too specific? Yes, I had a bad dream, why do you ask? Anyway, our gems are not only comfortable, sometimes they’re even funny. Enjoy!
I'm having trouble perfecting my tinder bio
My husband isn't helping with the wording as much as I hoped he would
— Jude D (@heyitsJudeD) June 27, 2020
Once a boy in my class ate raw onions and breathed in my face at lunch and a teacher laughed and said he probably really liked me and I decided then that being liked was not something I was interested in
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) June 30, 2020
[sitting on the pilot’s lap] thank you I feel much safer here
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) June 27, 2020
people wearing masks without covering their nose pic.twitter.com/0pS7VvMEEK
— Quinn (@ItsQuinnMoore) June 28, 2020
Mom: you’ll regret those tattoos
Me: ok boomer whatever
[later, in a police lineup]
Detective: the murderer has po, the red teletubby on his ass
— Glenn (@Shenaniglenns) June 29, 2020
[snorting cocaine off a public toilet] DOES ANYONE HAVE HAND SANITIZER?
— mo (@chuuew) June 25, 2020
This morning I discovered that I signed up for Massage Envy years ago and completely forgot about it. I just called to cancel my account and now I've got 60 days to have 60 massages. I've been training my whole life for this.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 29, 2020
You’re born with your Facebook, but you can pick your Twitter.
— Holdin on a Hill (currently forming own country) (@HoldinCoffeeld) June 27, 2020
There should be a hand sign you can throw when you’re checking out a guy’s dog and not him
— Rebel Elle™ (@RealRebelElle) June 29, 2020
As someone who is ugly I personally do not mind wearing a mask because it covers half of my face
— brielle (@brielle_ad) June 28, 2020