Hip hip hooray, it’s Friday, the sun is shining and when you get up tomorrow morning, slide the curtain aside and open the window, you will hear the wonderful singing of lovesick birds who give everything to find at the very last minute a partner who is willing to overlook their inadequacies and to create offspring with them which spoils their prime and leaves them shortly before the end, so that they can hate each other in peace before starving to death. I did say birds, right? Anyway, here are the best Tweets from today. Keep the curtains closed and have fun!
I forgot to pick up a bag of salad at the grocery store so I had to improvise and throw $5 in the garbage.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 2, 2021
That’s one exclusive toilet pic.twitter.com/vJDyIY1qc7
— Julicorn 🦄 (@ChicksRule) June 3, 2021
Happy pride. I hope one day the world loves bisexual women as much as heterosexual couples with a failing marriage do.
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) June 3, 2021
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) June 3, 2021
“i like your name” thanks, i had no choice
— tobert (@toborowitz) June 2, 2021
prepare for trouble pic.twitter.com/GLwaifdMhg
— Out of Context Pokemon (@OoCPokemon) June 2, 2021
Proud to say I finally deleted my ex’s number! I memorized it
— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) June 2, 2021
This weekend a 19 year old said to me, “I love when you say ‘this rules’ or ‘that rules.’ It makes you sound like a mom.” So, just wanted to give everyone else a heads up.
— grace spelman: that’s ‘retha franklin (@GraceSpelman) June 2, 2021
how is it so hard to get laundry done when i literally have a machine doing like 90% of the work. i need a laundry machine machine
— rishi mahesh (@rishipuff) June 2, 2021
this tip might save ur life: if ur at the beach and the water quickly rushes away from the shore DO NOT go towards it. it’s trying to get away from u just like everyone else because ur a gigantic loser
— tatum (@50FirstTates) June 3, 2021