It’s Saturday, or as we call it: Schroedinger’s part of the weekend. You’re still in a good mood, because the weather is great and your annoying neighbour has to be in quarantine again (how was the «little trip to spain», Jeff? Worth it?), so you can enjoy your garden in peace. But the dreadful Monday is already beginning to rear its ugly head again. But you’re not defenseless, after three to five beers, depending on the heat and your crying liver, you’ll be in your happy place for at least another night. Without Jeff, coworkers, people in general but an endless supply of cocktails and junk food, served by little racoons with tiny hats. And our Best of Twitter of course, what would heaven be without it. Cheers and enjoy!
You: Ready for hot girl summer.
Me: Ready for middle-aged woman with cold alcoholic drinks in the shade summer.
— Christina, mother of spiders ✊🦇👻🤘🐍 (@Aikiwomannc) April 29, 2021
mugger: give me all your money
me: i… [lying] i only have $80
mugger: then give me the $80
me: ok [pulls out $100 bill] do u have change
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 3, 2021
Socrates, listening to a completely reasonable philosophical account that he knows he's about to destroy with a couple of questions. pic.twitter.com/07PvmaIvSZ
— Dov (@drnelk) May 30, 2021
I can’t believe we went through a pandemic that took 600k lives and uprooted everything and there are still employers like “yeahhhhh I want you in the office 5 days a week so I can watch over your shoulder as you do spreadsheets.”
— Pro-Vaccine Queen🌙🦇 (@TypicalTahdig) June 3, 2021
You should only worry about a “beach body” if you are a Belgian detective with a fine moustache whose summer holiday in Devon has been interrupted by a grisly murder.
— Icona 📚 (@Iconawrites) June 3, 2021
I reckon people who own wind farms would get bullied by other farmers. ‘You up at 5am milking those fans?’ ‘Nice farm got any product samples’ and so on
— Locky Dee (@figgled) June 3, 2021
Me: ok that's everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you're not gonna believe this
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 3, 2021
“you’ve changed” yeah, i don’t tolerate shit anymore
— virgobaby (@maybeeevirgo) June 3, 2021
if you’re cold, they’re cold. put them in your pockets pic.twitter.com/GdSkEkW1WB
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) June 4, 2021
An ice cream truck, but it drives around to reassure you that everything is gonna be okay.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) June 4, 2021