Best of Twitter from March 21, 2020

I really don’t get why everyone’s complaining about social distancing. Granted, I trained for this situation since I joined Twitter, but it’s not that hard. Especially when you have a new pet spider in the bathroom, Brunhilde. Brunhilde doesn’t talk much, I assume she’s more the excentric type, but we get along well. And I promise, the moment she is actually talking to me, I will get some kind of help.

Where was I? Right. The Daily. Here it is, I hope you enjoy. Brunhilde did.

#1:

I just found out there's something called a Dracula Parrot and now I won't rest until I become best friends with one. pic.twitter.com/Q6wT8rokXR

— 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐 (@drinksmcgee) March 19, 2020

#2:

My quarantine routine:

7 AM: wake up

8 AM: wake up, this time for real 🙂

9 AM: self sabotage

3 PM: send an email—just kidding!

4 PM: yoga/prayer/meditation

4:01 PM: drinking, smoking, and sending nude photos

9 PM: Lights out! 😜 Read doomsday articles until 5 AM

— joey b 😀 (@joecastlebaker) March 19, 2020

#3:

me typing out “I hope this email finds you in good health” from my bed where i work now pic.twitter.com/z3UnxAsW94

— dirt prince (@pant_leg) March 19, 2020

#4:

I was going to have one brownie but three were stuck together so I had no other choice.

— Just J (@junejuly12) March 21, 2020

#5:

[pets during the quarantine]

dog: oh boy oh boy i get to be with human all day & night i love human lovelovelovelove

cat: are you fuckin kidding me right now

— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) March 19, 2020

#6:

Practice self-care like a vampire: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

— Doth (@DothTheDoth) March 20, 2020

#7:

Have we tried throwing a billionaire into a volcano to appease the virus?

— Jennifer Malinchalk 🌊 (@jennmalinchalk) March 18, 2020

#8:

There is basically an inverse relationship between a job's pay and how important it is during the crisis.

— James McAsh (@mcash) March 19, 2020

#9:

In an alternate universe cats feed people Lean Cuisine while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".

— Brother Ben (@SentenceReduced) March 19, 2020

#10:

i want it to be known that when society collapses into a hunter gatherer system i will be immediately submitting my application to be a gatherer. i am so good at picking berries off of trees. i’ve never held a spear in my life please do not trust me with weapons i am begging

— randy (@randypaint) March 20, 2020