I really don’t get why everyone’s complaining about social distancing. Granted, I trained for this situation since I joined Twitter, but it’s not that hard. Especially when you have a new pet spider in the bathroom, Brunhilde. Brunhilde doesn’t talk much, I assume she’s more the excentric type, but we get along well. And I promise, the moment she is actually talking to me, I will get some kind of help.
Where was I? Right. The Daily. Here it is, I hope you enjoy. Brunhilde did.
I just found out there's something called a Dracula Parrot and now I won't rest until I become best friends with one. pic.twitter.com/Q6wT8rokXR
— 𖤐 Father Drinks McGee 𖤐 (@drinksmcgee) March 19, 2020
My quarantine routine:
7 AM: wake up
8 AM: wake up, this time for real 🙂
9 AM: self sabotage
3 PM: send an email—just kidding!
4 PM: yoga/prayer/meditation
4:01 PM: drinking, smoking, and sending nude photos
9 PM: Lights out! 😜 Read doomsday articles until 5 AM
— joey b 😀 (@joecastlebaker) March 19, 2020
me typing out “I hope this email finds you in good health” from my bed where i work now pic.twitter.com/z3UnxAsW94
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) March 19, 2020
I was going to have one brownie but three were stuck together so I had no other choice.
— Just J (@junejuly12) March 21, 2020
[pets during the quarantine]
dog: oh boy oh boy i get to be with human all day & night i love human lovelovelovelove
cat: are you fuckin kidding me right now
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) March 19, 2020
Practice self-care like a vampire: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) March 20, 2020
Have we tried throwing a billionaire into a volcano to appease the virus?
— Jennifer Malinchalk 🌊 (@jennmalinchalk) March 18, 2020
There is basically an inverse relationship between a job's pay and how important it is during the crisis.
— James McAsh (@mcash) March 19, 2020
In an alternate universe cats feed people Lean Cuisine while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".
— Brother Ben (@SentenceReduced) March 19, 2020
i want it to be known that when society collapses into a hunter gatherer system i will be immediately submitting my application to be a gatherer. i am so good at picking berries off of trees. i’ve never held a spear in my life please do not trust me with weapons i am begging
— randy (@randypaint) March 20, 2020