If you didn’t get stuck in the Suez canal right after painting a giant penis into the ocean, well, then your week is probably ending better than somebody else’s! Let’s make it even nicer with our gems of the day. Today including a man who will accompany you at your next breakfast, a woman who moved to Poland instead of getting glasses, and the ultimate way to make your children play with their toys! Have a nice weekend everyone!
10-year-old: Why do people eat salads?
Me: They want to be healthy. Do you want to try one?
10: No, I want to be happy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2021
I have no more passwords left in me
— P Money (@Maechez1) March 24, 2021
— Clever Comebacks (@CleverComebacks) March 23, 2021
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
— Rachel Harper (@Rachel__Harper) June 24, 2018
UPDATE: we killed the shrimp guy. He was blended and is now in every box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
— Cinmamon Toast Crunch (@holyduck) March 24, 2021
All right, we admit it: This might NOT be the official Twitter account of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. If you want to find out more about the guy who found shrimp tails in his breakfast cereals and might or might not have ended in the mills please check out our article.
after years of bitcoin and reddit short selling and credit default swaps and a million other things i don’t understand it’s so refreshing to hear that global commerce is in peril because a big boat got stuck in a canal
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) March 25, 2021
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
— Just Sally (@MustardSally1) April 8, 2019
My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 26, 2021
Doctors get soo mad when ur BMI says ur overweight and ur bloodwork comes back perfect
— cathy *acab forever* humes (@CrappyFumes) March 25, 2021
“Why do girls want an all female gym” pic.twitter.com/ShfmiKGHW8
— Odd Jobs Jay (@JayyBonee) March 25, 2021