You can say what you want about social media, but no other medium brought people closer together so far. And Twitter is doing an excellent job connecting weirdos all over the world, for better or worse. You think the 5G network is responsible for your hangover and controlling your mind? There’s a thread for that. Drinking cow pee helps against any form of virus? Plenty of like minded people to bond with. Funny Tweets? That’s our territory. We hope you enjoy.
me: [tapping on glass] are you open
arby's cashier: only the drive thru
me: oh ok [tries to crawl inside drive thru window]
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) March 27, 2020
It's great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
— Marl (@Marlebean) March 26, 2020
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
— Katie Didn't 🥜🧈 (@Pork_Chop_Hair) March 27, 2020
rage fuck me like I stole your toilet paper.
— 𝓜 (@Love_bug1016) March 28, 2020
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) March 28, 2020
my wife was doing a webcast for her pre-k class but YouTube shut it down for copyright infringement because I was watching WrestleMania VI in the background
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) March 26, 2020
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i'll have to kill it
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) March 27, 2020
I was outfitted with my protective eyewear and N95 masks today. During the fitting, they put a bag over my head which confused me because there was no sex involved.
— The Girl Who Came to Stay 6 Feet Away (@Mom_Overboard) March 26, 2020
Before you complain about your current situation, just remember someone is quarantined with a person who whistles.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 26, 2020
waiter: do you want some mussels?
me: i hate working out
waiter: i mean from the sea
me: [gasping] like aquaman
— kieran (@KieranSoFar) March 26, 2020