Can I have everyone’s attention, please? Now is the time to take advantage of booking your dream vacation to Italy. Going to Italy now is 100x cheaper than a 14 day stay at your local hospital in America. You can thank me later!
[on a hill across a blue lake]
Me: *has my first heartbreak*
My Father: don’t you worry child!
My: dad what the hell are u doing here
— eli the average guy (@jazz_inmypants) March 3, 2020
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who's come crawling back
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 2, 2020
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) March 2, 2020
Doctor: don’t eat so much salt.
Doctor: too much sodium can give you high blood pressure and literally kill you.
Me: sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon : )
Me: my wife didn’t laugh at my joke either.
Doctor: what did she do?
Me: she gave me more salt.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) March 2, 2020
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) March 2, 2020
I need to lose weight and a diet is too difficult so after careful consideration I’ve come to the conclusion I need to pick up a cigarette addiction
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) March 2, 2020
A lot of cheap flights right now, and part of me thinks, if im going to get the coronavirus, I might as well get it in a deeply discounted 5 star hotel in Venice
— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) March 2, 2020
why noone tell me that the academic counsellor is just for school related issues, I walked in there talkin about my opiod addiction and got sent to the dean
— doglan (@dxglan) March 3, 2020
y’all been together for 6 years bro it’s my turn
— 🤡 (@emojinal) March 2, 2020
david dobrik might have all that money and a big house and hilarious friends and beautiful girls hanging out with him but he does not have a degree in computer science
— jordan (@jordanrubiks) March 2, 2020