Today is Tuesday, and I have a lot to think about. For example, my mom can’t be out there committing crimes. Either the prosecutor is wrong or my mom is some undercover Walter White from Breaking Bad. Instead of the book club, she is out there pushing dope to all the other stressed-out moms. Anyway, enjoy this Daily because, after this post, there must be a lot to think about today!
I remember asking my teachers when I would ever need the math they were teaching me. Not one, not a single one of them, said I would need it to teach to my son during a plague.
— That Pesky Prostitüt™ (@LittleMissAngr1) May 11, 2020
When Son #2 was two years old, he pronounced "guacamole" as "cockamole" and "also" as "asshole."
Anyway, for Mother's Day dinner we prepared filet mignon, scallops and sautéed green beans.
For an appetizer, we made cockamole, asshole.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) May 12, 2020
smoking weed in quarantine is cool cause in the first 10 minutes you're like, "woah, music is cool. i have so much love to give! i forgot what it's like to enjoy things!!" and the next 4 hours are like, "fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear f
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) May 11, 2020
My mom had me at 39. Live yo dreams fuck them kids 😂
— Brody!🌴 (@PhilDeezNuts) May 10, 2020
The British public solving the pandemic with common sense pic.twitter.com/vLlyRBpQr1
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 12, 2020
my little brother who’s almost deaf admitted to the whole family that he will jus turn off his hearing aids when he doesn’t want to hear us ?? like he b getting yelled at and this boy will simply mute the haters i think he’s a king for that
— asiya (@ossiyuh) May 9, 2020
parents: u can be anything u want
kids: i wanna be an artist 🙂
parents: except that. what the fuck. never say that again
— randy (@randypaint) May 11, 2020
My mom is a prosecutor and every year she brings up the fact that Mother’s Day is the day with the lowest crime. I think that says a lot about how many moms commit crimes throughout the year, but can’t today because they’re too busy being celebrated.
— Fin (@gofinurself) May 10, 2020
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
— Lanndo (@Lxnndo) May 7, 2020
The President is tested every day.
Every single person he comes into contact with is also tested.
If anyone tests positive, they are immediately quarantined and their contacts are tested.
See? He DOES understand how to stop the virus. He just doesn't give a shit about YOU.
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) May 11, 2020