Welcome to Monday, ladies and gentleman. A person, who really enjoys working and earns nearly one hundred grand a year, will be assigned to you shortly, explaining why you are a lazy ass, if you don’t. But never mind, it’s okay to hate work, Mondays or people in general. We surely have support group meetings for all of that. And if your are in a bad mood for no reason, be sure to check out our gems of the day.
She’s an Artist pic.twitter.com/lnxzb2eAGb
— ☾ (@dalaaxl) May 15, 2020
Americans get such a boner for the idea of patriotism and sacrifice and then it’s like “hey here are some basic things you could do but you have to do them for like three months” and Americans really looked up from a list that says “1.stay home 2.wash your hands” and went “no”
— jewish fuckery, B.A.🎓 (@coffeespoonie) May 16, 2020
So just so I understand things…The United States has a Space Force, but not a Pandemic Response Team?🤨
— There are some who call me…TIM (@TimNoEgo) May 16, 2020
This pipe almost gave me a heart attack. For a second I thought Rafiki from the Lion King was living under my backyard. pic.twitter.com/yChuvQDIwu
— Johnny Rowland (@JohnnyRowlands) May 15, 2020
What I Googled in January: "Who directed 'Ford v Ferrari?'"
What I Googled in May: "Can Murder Wasps get Coronavirus?"
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 17, 2020
can’t wait to see what kind of horribly mismatched and ill-considered relationships everyone gets into after quarantine. i’m gonna marry the first hot girl who smiles at me
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) May 16, 2020
octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you're one short buddy
— hey buddy (@ComicsHey) May 16, 2020
jeff bezos is dangerously morphing into Pitbull pic.twitter.com/ZcW5g202GW
— estou a ouvir vozes (@defrerico) May 14, 2020
My 4yo used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe the morning and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 17, 2020
I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 14, 2020