With the government ending the most significant quarantine measures, life begins to open up again in Germany. And with spring weather in sight, we can enjoy a few simple things. Having ice cream in the sun. Taking a walk at a lake. Sacrificing a newborn lamb in an abandoned forest to please the gods of summer. Or just reading our Daily, it’s up to you. Have fun!
#1:
My husband has started using cheese to train our dogs and now every time he opens the fridge I have the urge to sit and roll over.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 20, 2020
#2:
Why do people say “my sincere condolences”? Is there anyone who offers their insincere condolences? Like “Hey, sorry about your grandma lol.”
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) May 21, 2020
#3:
I’ll just be real honest. If I were a Disney princess i would scream my lungs out the second any woodland creatures tried climbing on me. Sing you a song? I don’t think so demon squirrel
— Boog (@BoogTweets) May 21, 2020
#4:
Whoever keeps saying “it could be worse” needs to shut the fuck up
— tom (@pilau) May 20, 2020
#5:
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
— [email protected] (@TweetPotato314) May 21, 2020
#6:
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) May 20, 2020
#7:
publisher:
jk rowling:
publisher:
jk rowling:
publisher: have u literally ever watched any real sports
jk rowling: lol no why
— randy (@randypaint) May 20, 2020
#8:
the ending of harry potter is “and then everyone married someone they met when they were 11”
— jacob (@jacob_posts) May 19, 2020
#9:
Wife *holding newborn* isn't this the best day ever
Me *remembering when 2 Twixes fell out the vending machine* it's top two for sure
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 19, 2020
#10:
Welcome to my bed and breakfast! We do require masks at all times due to public health and because the haunted dolls have been training their army of bees to fly directly into any exposed mouths.
— Julia Gulia 🌈 (@JRobb773) May 20, 2020
