Roses are red. Violets are blue. Hangovers are evil. Those tweets are for you. We searched far and we searched wide. Despite the sun shining way to bright.
That’s it. That’s the whole introduction. If anyone could spare a glass of water. I’d be thankful forever. Otherwise I hope you enjoy our Daily!
date: give me ur phone number
me: *sweating* then what number am I gonna use
— tatum 🍇 (@50FirstTates) May 22, 2020
I normally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live my life.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 23, 2020
me: wait stop
me: did u wash your hands
— tom (@pilau) March 20, 2020
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
— Kiss my Fat Ash (@Tobi_Is_Fab) May 22, 2020
I was never Goth on purpose but once I was so pale and depressed that a pack of Goths took me in and raised me as their own
— Boobsy Snickerdoodle (@chloethesiren) May 22, 2020
my friend: she’s so hot how do I get her to notice me
me: *patting his shoulder* kidnap her dad
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) May 21, 2020
There's no Klingon word for virgin. If you speak Klingon, it's implied
— Pessimus Prime Minister (@BigJDubz) May 20, 2020
STOP excluding the B from LGBT. im fucking sick of it. British people should be proud of who they are. fuck you.
— VERTIGO⚠️T (@Vertigoat_) May 22, 2020
“You’ll be back!” shouts Donald. A single tear rolls down his bill as he pulls a flask from his pocket. “Bitch,” he mutters, taking a swig. pic.twitter.com/spnqMbVAKa
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 20, 2020
If you can’t handle me at my oh my god what have I done, you don’t deserve me at my what could possibly go wrong
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) May 22, 2020