Woohoo it’s Monday! … wait, who said that? Sorry, someone is getting a little bit too excited because the end of the pandemic seems almost near. Maybe there was some kind of mood enhancer in our vaccine. Also it’s the last day of May, we’re getting paychecks and smelling summer vibes. Sounds not too bad for a Monday or does it? So, let’s save our hate for later and enjoy these gems for today.
hired a magician instead of a stripper for my buddy’s bachelor party pic.twitter.com/7IIjSMKZoV
— James (@CaucasianJames) May 29, 2021
sex is great but have you ever quit a job that was ruining your mental health?
— janelle monayyeee (@janelleskelly) May 29, 2021
Me every day: *never shits myself*
Me packing underwear for a vacation: I'm going to shit myself 2-3 times a day
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) May 28, 2021
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no friends, no family. no groom. just me and a priest kissing
— trash jones (@jzux) May 27, 2021
The Voice has had 20 seasons and I can’t name not ONE winner … Someone explain to me how that show is still on the air
— Kasper or Chucky (@tha_jerk2012) May 27, 2021
«I’m gonna treat myself» — me (who has rarely, if ever, denied myself anything)
— shonda rhimes wrote crossroads (@jersing) May 28, 2021
Oedipus is such a rad name, sucks that that one guy fucked it up for everyone.
— Grace Freud (@GraceGFreud) May 30, 2021
It's only a blowjob if you're a sex worker. Otherwise it's just a blowhobby.
— Mia Walsch (@Mia_Walsch) May 29, 2021
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *loading super soaker* agreed
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) May 29, 2021
those first two weeks of pokémon go were so crazy I was in an abandoned parking lot with a 39 year old father of 2 battling it out at 10am on a tuesday afternoon
— bobby wasabi (@bobbyteriyaki) May 30, 2021