We hope everyone survived the infamous Monday? At least barely but with honorable battle wounds from agressive sheets which wouldn’t let you leave the bed, your pet racoon arguing with you about the dangers of going outside and the little booze bottles you stole from the last hotel, begging you to stay? Good, because everything’s gonna be better today. Tuesday is the Switzerland of the week, neutral ground. The most fearsome day is behind, a few obsticles to overcome, then it’s nearly weekend and we all know what that means: more bottles that care about you, perhaps a turtle friend for your racoon and, well. New sheets. So rejoice and celebrate with us and our gems of the day. Have fun!
Imagine finding an alien baby in the middle of your cornfield and naming it Clark.
— Prime Minister Warren G. Harding (@PopeAwesomeXIII) May 3, 2021
Sometimes when I’m sad I like to imagine an alternate universe where there’s a band called the Chixie Dicks.
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) May 4, 2021
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it's never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) May 2, 2021
One of the great comedy duos of their generation. pic.twitter.com/m1kbSVN6wX
— Super 70s Sports (@Super70sSports) May 2, 2021
I want my son to write freely and creatively, but I also don’t want him using the word chillax in a paper about Julius Caesar.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 3, 2021
Would you like your alarm clock to be INEXPLICABLY HEAVY and full of KNIVES? Consider: CAT.
— Natasha Simonova (@philistella) May 3, 2021
they say u should talk to urself the way u talk to a loved one but how is missing my own calls and then texting myself “sorry just saw this” days later supposed to help me?
— tatum (@50FirstTates) May 4, 2021
my soulmate probably somewhere robbing a bank right now. u go baby! get that money. love you
— nope 🏹 (@LilNasX) May 3, 2021
Nothing causes me as much anxiety as when my optometrist asks me “Which is better, 1 or 2?”
— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) May 3, 2021
if a friend who normally replies 'haha' hits back with a 'HAHAHAH' honestly take the day off. have a nice cold one. you're killing it
— Deirdre (@figgled) April 30, 2021