You know what was still missing in 2020, after Trump, the announcement of a Friends revival and a global pandemic? Right, murder hornets. You can’t make this sh*t up anymore and I don’t know about you guys, but I’m just waiting for a stage light to fall from the sky. And being picked up by a murder hornet, of course. Meanwhile, please enjoy these tweets.
I don't let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I'm worried he'll taste freedom and never come back.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 3, 2020
Sorry I broke up with you over text, but I saw you wearing a protective mask while driving alone.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) May 1, 2020
from ages ages 20-24 you’re literally just a teenager with bills
— 🐉 Kay Jovah ⚔️ (@KayJovahkiin) May 3, 2020
dumbledore: so we have a points system to keep all of the houses in a healthy competition
draco malfoy: that sounds like fun
dumbledore: tHaT sOuNdS LiKE fUn shut the fuck up 100 points to gryffindor
— kie (@kieransofar) May 4, 2020
boomers: u watch people play video games? and ur not even playing?
also boomers: if my favorite football team loses i am going to take it out on my wife
— randy (@randypaint) May 4, 2020
Trump said his life was better before he became President
I understand, my life was also better before he became President
— Jonathan Webers (@JWeber988) May 4, 2020
cant imagine how furious all clown fish are. everytime we see them we're like look it's Nemo and they just clench their little fins and swim away like my name is fuckin Steven
— thomas (@thombodytolove) May 4, 2020
[at dog park]
ME: it's ok, she's friendly
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. she’s a rescue. her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. she’s 2
— water toupee (@markydoodoo) May 4, 2020
Everyone: Putting children in cages is cruel and horrible.
republicans: It's not that bad.
Everyone: To avoid preventable deaths we need to stay in our homes but we can still enjoy the outdoors, get food from restaurants, savor our hobbies
republicans: this is literally prison
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) May 4, 2020
She was rare, like a properly placed semicolon
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) May 4, 2020