It’s Saturday and we don’t want to get you too excited, but apparently it’s going to be the first sunny day this spring. Wait, not so fast, before you get the BBQ gear and try on your brand-new mankini, remember there’s still a pandemic going on. So keep your distance from other people, especially children, don’t interact with strangers and don’t hug anyone. Basically, act like every sane person would behave, even without a pandemic. Just more drunk and with a face mask. You’ll find more great advice about being a responsable sociopath in a post pandemic apocalypse in our Tweets. Enjoy and stay classy!
i'm now CPR certified. however if i'm doing CPR on you and i break your ribs or sternum i will be promptly passing out so i'm sorry.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 7, 2021
ENGAGED: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine
MARRIED: Your arm was on my half of the bed last night.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 7, 2021
me: i've been punching the clock here for 20 years
new guy: you must love working here
me: i don't work here i just hate clocks
— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) May 7, 2021
apparently the coolest part about living in the future is knowing the planet is on the verge of collapse and still having to go to work everyday
— nash flynn (@itsnashflynn) May 7, 2021
[on a flight]
passenger: help, he’s having a heart attack! is anyone a doctor??
my mom: *boldly stands up* my son could have been
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) May 7, 2021
live your life in such a way that your heirs sort through your possessions whispering “what the fuck. what the FUCK. What in the SHIT.”
— Jared Pechacek (@vandroidhelsing) May 6, 2021
*rolling around naked in the Chuck E Cheese ballpit*
It’s ok, I’m fully vaccinated
— Stace (@girl_a_whirl) May 7, 2021
I did get my shot in my right arm. Why do you ask? pic.twitter.com/7KG2PUlYva
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 7, 2021
Reporting every tweet about enjoying Pearl Jam for self harm
— ho baby 😉 (@ThisLocalHater) May 7, 2021
I just want to live in a world where they let Ben and Jerry make THC ice cream. it's clearly all they want to do. just let them do it
— i bless the rains down in castamere (@Chinchillazllla) May 7, 2021