I swear, I had a really deep poem ready for this week, including «birds are chirping – trashcans and raccons are flirting». But it got lost somewhere between home office day drinking and a cringeworthy Netflix anime. So here are some way better tweets for you. Enjoy!
i told my wife the Bird scooter company laid off a bunch of employees and she said did they just leave them in the middle of the sidewalk
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) May 8, 2020
Sending emails to every place I’ve shopped for the last 8 years to explain how I’m dealing with the pandemic
— the drake gatsby 🏠 (@DrakeGatsby) May 8, 2020
I took the Myers–Briggs test and it said I’m half sausage and half velociraptor.
— Kiss my Fat Ash (@Tobi_Is_Fab) May 8, 2020
People think celebrities aren’t relatable but Leonardo DiCaprio has to homeschool his girlfriends just like the rest of us
— noodle grip 🛹 🐼 (@noodlegrip) May 8, 2020
Y’all my aunt mailed me a dilbert cartoon that she cut out of the newspaper and i was like wow boomers really had to put in work to share memes with each other back in the day
— ✨V✨ (@coolauntV) May 8, 2020
Autocorrect changed eat to rat and now my girlfriend thinks I want to snitch on her to the cops
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) May 8, 2020
i see your passive aggressive thumbs up emoji and raise you one take care
— B O L L O C K S (@itsallbollocks) May 8, 2020
Homeschooling has the world turned around backwards for example, now I’m only sober on weekends
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) May 8, 2020
Welcome to my dojo. A butter knife is the only tool or friend you will ever need. Now bow.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) May 8, 2020
I’ve heard cocaine has the same neurological effects as falling in love and in hindsight that probably would have been a much cheaper choice for me
— GlitterBombShell (@justmiche74) May 7, 2020